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Power Struggles With KidsHow do we overcome this on-going war?
Have you ever found families with kids that have never experienced power struggles? None, I believe! And this power struggles can start from toddler hood right up to adolescence. Why do we have power struggles? What causes both parents and kids refuse to step aback and say "hey, I think you are right"?
Power struggles often relate to wanting to over power the other person when a conflict begins. When a kid refuses to listen to his parents' instructions to make his bed, to ignore his parents' warning not to draw on the wall, or fight back when the parents require them to sleep early, etc...power struggle is on its way. When kids, especially young kids suddenly refuse to do something they normally do, like going to bed at a set time, or suddenly start to behave mischievously, if sickness and other uncontrollable factors are ruled out, they are sending a message to the parents that they are in control. Any disapproval from the parents will then lead to power struggles.
Positive discipline is the key. You can't compromise with a defiant kid while you are angry and punishing him out of your anger. Begin by telling the kid your expectations clearly. Communicate and deliver consequences in a firm way. If a reward is promised, be sure to honor it. And most importantly, let the kid know that no matter how bad the situation is, you are always there to help and to love him. As Mary Sheedy Kurcinka, the author of "Kids, Parents, and Power Struggles: Winning for a Lifetime Power struggles are about feelings and needs of both parent and kid. Once we recognize these emotions and respond to them, we can then stop power struggles and build the relationship that makes the kids want to work with us.
I know power struggle with kids can be very difficult and it's always not easy to overcome it. I had this power struggling issue with Adriel when he was very young and it did upset me. And Jeriel was a great follower of his big brother…hmm… Before we talk about the most effective positive discipline technique, can anyone let me know if this is a true behavioral problem? Here it goes... During the first year of his music lesson, most of the time, Adriel did not participate in group activities. He would sing, played the keyboard, sometimes followed the teacher to do some actions, but just refused to mix with the group of children his age in the class. He also refused to play the keyboard with his left hand.
However, I would like to stress that, he did like to sing, and sang well, and seemed to like his music lesson. Let me explain a little of his music lesson. It was conducted in a class of about 9 to 12 kids aged between 4 to 6 years old. And parents must be with the kids during the music lesson to encourage them and to create a bonding relationship between parents and children through music. While this idea is good, I'm afraid it was me in the class that caused Adriel to behave improperly. He had no such problem in his normal kindy. I then wondered...is this power struggle or misbehavior problem that needs disciplinary action? How should I actually tackle it? I thought...if only there's a fixed formula in dealing with this issue...or a little prayer would work...maybe... Well, I changed Adriel to individual class. I found out that all he needed was a little extra personal attention from the music teacher. He was doing great since. No power struggle, no fuss, no pain. The bottom line...know your kids! There are ample Positive Discipline
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points out, every power struggle offers parents the opportunity to connect or to disconnect with
their kids. Our words and actions we use during power struggles will shape the relationship we'll
have with our kids.
books to guide us. But as parents, we must always make the ultimate decision which method is effective for our kids… A big challenge, I know.
