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Discipline With Love

The basis of positive discipline

Positive Discipline (Home) Kids Behavioral Problems Power Struggles With Kids Discipline With Humor Positive Discipline Techniques (Part 1) Positive Discipline Techniques (Part 2)

The basic premise of positive discipline is to discipline with love, with respect. There's no spanking, hitting, yelling, and definitely no using hurtful words.

Sometimes kids do behave so badly that it sets us off. Sometimes it seems they do things just to test our patience, to see to what extent we can tolerate their actions.

There you are being angered by your mischief kid. Would you choose the harsh way such as spanking or threatening to discipline him, or would you choose to reason things out with him, give him a second chance (sort of)?

Can I Discipline My Kids With Love?

Well, I do sometimes can't control my anger when my kids are getting on my nerves. At times they are indeed just impossible. Many a times I lost my control and I yelled at them, talked sharply to them, and even spanked them.

And in all instances, I regretted what I did and I tried to explain to them, especially Adriel, why I chose to discipline them in such a harsh way.

I believe many parents face the same dilemma like I do. At one point we want to teach our kids the right thing. At other point, we can't pass the right message through but unintentionally hurt the kids physically and emotionally.

I could have been more loving when dealing with my kids' mischief, couldn't I? Yes, I always try very hard to give them the best I could and learn from every mistake I made in disciplining them. I want to build them up instead of tearing them down.

Physical Punishment Gets Nowhere

One thing I learned is that physical punishment will never work in teaching our kid how to behave. It only harbors hates. This is especially true for older kids where self-esteem is particularly important to them.

To spank is to shame, even if you do this privately. It’s even worse if you spank or hit your kid in public, especially in front of his friends. You have no respect for him as an individual and you hurt his rather tender self-esteem.

We are our kid's teachers and role models. As we discipline our kids by spanking, hitting, ear pulling or physically hurting him, we set a bad example that things can be settled by using violence. Older kids may use the same tactic to 'teach' their younger siblings. The negative side effect of physical punishment is indeed very alarming.

Do not resort to harsh discipline hoping to get a quick fix. There's no quick fix in discipline. If we are out of control, we're not teaching our kids how to deal with conflict and negative feelings properly.

Hurtful Words Kill

Out of extreme frustration, dear hubby once shouted at Adriel and blurted out 'stupid'! I was there at that moment and noticed Adriel was very sad as he quietly sat there looking at his papa, with tears brimming in his eyes and then slowly rolled down his cheek. I walked over to him and pat his back.

Later, I told dear hubby how Adriel felt and not to use that word anymore. Several days had since passed. We thought Adriel had forgotten that day and we never gave much thought about it, either.

But one night, as we retired in bed, Adriel told his papa, "daddy, I don't like you say 'stupid', never use the word 'stupid' anymore". It was really such a surprise to hear him said that. And we promised him we would never ever use that word again.

Hurtful words such as stupid, rubbish, moron, etc should never be used to stop your kid from doing the wrong thing. In fact these negative words should not exist at all in the family.

You may not realize how hurtful it is when you are in the midst of anger and the words just slip out of your mouth. But your kid hears what you have said and takes it rather seriously.

If your kid's a happy-go-lucky type, you may not have hurt him but you've taught him a very ugly way of dealing with anger. If he's an introvert, your harsh words will certainly hurt his self-esteem and belittle him. Instead of learning from his mistakes, he learns to be more self-centered, and never trust you.

As for Adriel, I'm proud of him as not only had he had the courage to correct us, but he also never use the word he hates to hurt Jeriel or upset anyone else. And fortunate for us, he's such a lovely boy.

Respect Your Kids

To discipline with love is to respect your kid as who he is, to recognize what he has to say and to feel for what he wishes.

It doesn't mean that the kid's wishes must be granted and we as parents have no control over the situation.

We need to steer our kids toward a right path and at the same time, try and understand their behavior. We can then tackle the behavior issue more easily. Disciplining the kids is then not so much a headache.

Do take a step back and look at the situation from our kids' perspectives. It helps to know why they’re upset and to encourage them to express their feelings.

Our kids will feel honored and valued if we deal with them respectfully. Once they understand that we have their best interests at heart, they'll learn to trust us.

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